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水曜日, 10月 12, 2005

Mood = vexed

People say if you want pple to be nice to you, you must first be nice to others... But it dont seem to apply to me... I tried my best to treat everyone around me nicely... joke with them... lame with them... sarcastic with them... in the end, what i have gained is just sorrow and depression... why cant the pple around me more be sensitive? maybe they cant.. what else can they do besides this? none... they are seem useless to me... we have SL project meeting just now... but the way i see them, i really feel like running out of the audi because it's so hard to breathe being in the same place as them... i find it very difficult to be with this class.. not that i dont like them.. i just find it hard to be with them... or should i say hard to communicate.. i really feel like making them shut up when they start to speak... they are soo noisy.. noisy until i really cant stand them... i really dont know what's with this class...

maybe from the beginning... it wasnt any of their fault.. maybe it's all mine... maybe i am the idiot who shouldnt even exist in this class... i cant get use to this college life even if i try very hard to do so.. i find no one to talk to... no one to turn to.. no one to comfort when i am down.. no one to help me up... somehow i want to go to eternal sleep.. somewhere i cant be hurt by anyone because no one is there.. somewhere i will feel free to talk to anything.. somewhere i feel that i am myself again... somewhere i can just free myself from all these depression and troubles...

sometimes i thought to myself.. what kind of person am i? someone nice? i dont think so.. i really dont know myself... somehow.. i have been hiding under this mask for such a long time that i lost my true self.. or should i say i am not myself in the first place... no matter who i meet, i will try to put up a smile... a smile that never lasts long... a smile that even me myself dont even know what i am smiling of... maybe i need to see a pshycologist soon... i am sick of being in depression.. but there's nothing i can do... maybe i can just wait for time to pass.. and maybe the cage around me will rot.. and i can be freed once more.. but when will this be?
4:42 午後