..::|| °┐ Ver.23 Maple ┌° ||::..

日曜日, 1月 15, 2006

Mood = Thinking
Music = Shaman King + Brave Heart

Confession: If I dont become a bioengineer, what else can I be? Will I be able to live up to the expectations I had for myself? Such thoughts kinda came to me after I witnessed or went through some things:

Yesterday, some of us went to VSA to do CIP... and we met this female teacher who take cares of this physically disabled girl named Sarah.. me and Zhu Xuan interacted with her practically throughout the whole thing... we were supposed to teach these disabled children handicraft aka. making butterflies using magazine paper... but somehow, me and Zhu Xuan ended up teaching the Indian teacher to make butterflies... anyway, she praised me for being able to make beautiful paper butterflies cos the color combination is good... then Zhu Xuan was like "I cant make such beautiful butterflies." But after a while, Zhu Xuan was praised by the teacher for being about to make use of the scissors to cut out the side view of human heads beautifully.. I was thinking "I cant do that." Then what the teacher said kinda surprised or should I say enlightened me... she says that everyone is definitely good at something and you should be proud of what you are able to do but others cant...

Just now.. I was cutting out articles for my gp homework... and one of them is about exam meritocracy and talent meritocracy... Singapore is a country that put alot of emphasis on exam meritocracy... One has to do and score well in exams to be able to qualify for the next level of education... However, I feel that the more I study for exams.. for qualifications.. for certificates.. I seem to forget all the things I really once like to do... In the past, I really love to draw.. I can even draw during exams.. But now time and studies have made me forgotten about my passion to draw.. In the past, I aimed to be a fashion designer.. cos I can draw and I enjoy designing clothes... But now, my once so-called ambition has slowly mutated and evolved into what people known as "bioengineer"... what people known as "able to achieve great things".. In the past, I really really love to draw.. but now, this passion.. this ambition... has been sacrificed to meet the society's expectations... The thing that could have make me happier is now gone... My true happiness has been buried under this exam meritocracy...

Sometimes... I wish that I wont have grown up.. then I could still keep my ambition to be a fashion designer... Even now after this was forgotten as time flies by.. I still finds that being a fashion designer sounds more heart-warming to me.. In many people's eyes, I am a student who aims to achieve good grades.. But isnt everyone like me? We have to give up what we hopes for something that we didnt wish for... I dont feel anything for science.. it's just a mere curiosity for me to take up science.. I wanted to know more about why things are this way.. But I failed to notice that the more I pursue science, the more I am giving up on the things I once had... But it is ironic to say that I cant give up on science now.. I have given up too many too much things to come this far.. And I really need time to build up my passion again to designing clothes...

Haiz... I wonder what can I really be.. I was thinking... maybe I continue to pursue my ambition as a bioengineer... then until the time is right.. I will continue to pursue my real ambition... as a fashion designer... I am really very pathetic...

Here's another fanart I love very much...

Hopefully.. things will turn out good for me... at least I will be happier...

8:08 午後